May 9, 2012

Wild Orangutan Roaming Brownsville's Ship Channel Flashing off Tourists.

A wild orangutan has been sighted near South Padre Island and pet control and BPD are in the lookout to seize it. The first sightings were by a couple necking in the all famous strip of the ship channel.  Shred Lonesome was enjoying a necking session when he felt a finger grapling his butt, "at first, i felt a soft caress near my butt and i tought the girl i was making out it was touching me, but then i felt a greasy hand gropping and hurting me when i turned around, i saw this huge gorilla, ape thing looking at me, whinking and running away, i screamed like a little bitch because it was already getting dark, but i know what i saw". Shred lonesome hesitated in calling 911 because he is a well known realtor in the valley and the lady in question is, well, not his wife. " My duty as a concerned citizen is more valuable to me than what i was doing in my time off, and i was thinkin about the well being of the persons that work at the ship channel and port, thats why after debating for two hours and several beers later i called 911 to get the proper authoritiesto the scene and aprehend the wild animal.

Officers brushed the area for over five hours, but were not able to encounter the wild animal
that is suspected to be the personal pet of famous wanna be singer Ned Nietsche. Other witnesses have come foward and stated the orangutan has either stolen their fish and drank their beer when not looking at the channel. Lucy lu stated to the Brownsville Monitor "We were just chillin, drinking some beer and all the sudden this orange thing comes out of the brush licking his fingers, we all ran but he sat down the cooler and drank the beer". Port  employees also called 911 reporting what appeared to be a drunk staggering ape walking and falling down down hwy 78.   As off today, officials are cautioning turists and Port employees to not atempt and catch the wild animal or supply him with food or alcoholic drinks. "The ape is real intelligent and has been seen drinking and asking people for food, but we do not know if he has any diseases so please dont feed the animal or pet him, he is also always horny and has been videotaped masturbating infront of the ship channel. Please do not approach, call pet control or 911 and we will gladly get him" Officer Hun stated today in the Brownsville Monitor.

Realtor Shred Lonesome was admitted to Valley Grand Manor Hospital today and is rumored to have received a rape kit and counseling for abuse regarding his encounter with the "orange ape".

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