May 24, 2012

RGIS driver aprehended with famous Brownsville Orangutan: "I lured him with some Coronas"

Recent Sightings of a wild orangutan were the sensation at the Port of Brownsville but in recent weeks, Port employees and tourists missed the orange ape that stole their beers and allegedly assaulted famous realtor Greg Lonesome.  The mistery continued for the past month as to what happened to the unruly ape, but last night state troppers stopped an RGIS van for speeding and received the surprise of their life, as they notice an wild orangutan on the passenger seat passed out and cans of beer spilled on the floor.  Twenty seven year old Ross Santiago is the alleged ape abductor, stating he lured the ape into his van two weeks ago with some coronas, and since, they have been travelling up and down the Valley.  He stated to the Brownsville-Dallas Monitor that he just needed a pet, and that he was not going to seal or abuse the ape. Supossedly, Santiago is a well respected driver for the company, taking groups of up to thirty employees and driving them all over the Rio Grande Valley.  The orangutan that he named "Smiley" was also invited for the rides, usually drinking some coronas and passing out with the rest of the employess.  RGIS management are dumbfounded that no employee came foward with the information that an extra team member had recently joined RGIS and have suspendend with no pay Mr. Santiago.  Mr. Santiago lawyer, Veronica Darias is suing RGIS for indefinite suspension stating that "Smiley" never posed any threat to the RGIS employees and he in fact was a real docile animal making everyone laugh and enjoy the long, grueling trips where sometimes they employees were not even allowed to take restroom breaks or eat a decent meal.

"Smiley" was surrended to the Gladys Porter Zoo Wednsday morning.  The zoo conducted lab work and determined the orangutan had high levels of alcohol, Heroine and Marijuana in his system. The ape is being  quarantined and is going to attend detox in the next few days.  No one has come foward and claimed the ape as a pet, most likely he was going to be sold to famous Circo Hernandez-Chacon, altough they are pictures of a similar ape in Ned's Nietszche office in Cameron County.  Judge Ned Nietszche PA has denied the existence of the pictures and have stated that the Judge in the past has owned wild animals but never an orangutan and never an alcoholic, sex crazed one.  No word yet on the remainder of the coronas found in the van, State Troppers confiscated Twenty cases of cold Coronas and Five pounds of marijuana but just gave the employees a warning after verifying they were in fact United States Citizens.

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