May 29, 2012

5 reasons to get an IPAD if you are male in Texas.

1.- The IPad technology is surely to repel any unwanted female attention from facebook, twitter or even myspace. With the option of delete history and reset, all the naughty encounters you might have in there they just cease to exist!.

 2.- Texas women are known for their angry outbursts, well the ipad can handle that and more: if the fem-me in question wants to hurt you deeply and takes it out on the device, the device has awesome power of putting itself back together with minor scratches.

 3.- The ipad chips and strong sturdy case make it impossible for drunk or narcotized people to mess with it. It safely "auto locks" and at the bare touch of its rightful master it will turn on instantly.

 4.- The ipad is never, ever going to criticize the hours spend on it browsing the internet, enjoying free adult sites or the famous apps for endless hours of video games. The ipad is never going to force you to get a job or get out, it will gladly envelop your soul and never let go.

 5.- And last with sensational apps like garage band and soundcloud, you can spend hours and hours arranging new beats, posting your music to facebook and making remixes that wannabe DJs can play loudly in crappy speakers at winery's like the bar or upside down hill.

May 28, 2012

We are sending you to jail

we're not going to pay your bail  you're not going to the beach  and girls are out of reach  just concrete and steel because we took you off the street we hope you miss your drugs  as you swim in a sea of thugs  maybe next time you'll be better and learn to follow every letter


May 25, 2012

Raw Footage: Skid Rowing in Brownsville

On skid row and this joker is drifting through each day like a paper boat in a swimming pool life is easy to figure at its lowest denominator dark shadows blow softly in and out of broken windows answers? You need answers? You stupid bitch i drove passed the exit of answers about 2hours ago now the new answer is sold at the graveyard in little baggys now the story of your life rests peacefully in old pictures in a box somewhere love weights for you in small doses peace attracts flies kindness is what he looks for in eyes and she finds it one last thrust now she goes where she must look the time is near we are not just here bathing in our fear sleep here on skid row here I'll be your host talking to a ghost man my mind is toast sliding down on skid row fresh out of wine everyone is fine killing all my time falling down on skid row watching my heart bleed i got all i need spreading all my seed sleeping here on skid row my shoes are worn my head is scorn baby we are born we come from skid row preacher on a box man his wives a fox we just throw rock rock s from skid row man this life is great i live on the hate mama don't be late come on down to skid row.

May 24, 2012

RGIS driver aprehended with famous Brownsville Orangutan: "I lured him with some Coronas"

Recent Sightings of a wild orangutan were the sensation at the Port of Brownsville but in recent weeks, Port employees and tourists missed the orange ape that stole their beers and allegedly assaulted famous realtor Greg Lonesome.  The mistery continued for the past month as to what happened to the unruly ape, but last night state troppers stopped an RGIS van for speeding and received the surprise of their life, as they notice an wild orangutan on the passenger seat passed out and cans of beer spilled on the floor.  Twenty seven year old Ross Santiago is the alleged ape abductor, stating he lured the ape into his van two weeks ago with some coronas, and since, they have been travelling up and down the Valley.  He stated to the Brownsville-Dallas Monitor that he just needed a pet, and that he was not going to seal or abuse the ape. Supossedly, Santiago is a well respected driver for the company, taking groups of up to thirty employees and driving them all over the Rio Grande Valley.  The orangutan that he named "Smiley" was also invited for the rides, usually drinking some coronas and passing out with the rest of the employess.  RGIS management are dumbfounded that no employee came foward with the information that an extra team member had recently joined RGIS and have suspendend with no pay Mr. Santiago.  Mr. Santiago lawyer, Veronica Darias is suing RGIS for indefinite suspension stating that "Smiley" never posed any threat to the RGIS employees and he in fact was a real docile animal making everyone laugh and enjoy the long, grueling trips where sometimes they employees were not even allowed to take restroom breaks or eat a decent meal.

"Smiley" was surrended to the Gladys Porter Zoo Wednsday morning.  The zoo conducted lab work and determined the orangutan had high levels of alcohol, Heroine and Marijuana in his system. The ape is being  quarantined and is going to attend detox in the next few days.  No one has come foward and claimed the ape as a pet, most likely he was going to be sold to famous Circo Hernandez-Chacon, altough they are pictures of a similar ape in Ned's Nietszche office in Cameron County.  Judge Ned Nietszche PA has denied the existence of the pictures and have stated that the Judge in the past has owned wild animals but never an orangutan and never an alcoholic, sex crazed one.  No word yet on the remainder of the coronas found in the van, State Troppers confiscated Twenty cases of cold Coronas and Five pounds of marijuana but just gave the employees a warning after verifying they were in fact United States Citizens.

May 21, 2012

Thrifty installment # 11. Burn your lawn.

Thrifty installment number 11. Burn your lawn. Do you have an award winning lawn? I didn't think you did. Well if you're not going to be the best at something then why even try? Stop wasting water, gasoline, and other precious resources such as time on your lawn. Burn that bitch! Siphone some Diesel out of one of the tractors and pour it  into a sprayer. Walk over to those sickly azaleas and start spraying. Move you mangy mutt! Do you want me to spray you too? Spray the whole lawn spray it good. One less problem thank God. Now walk back to the toolshed and look over your lawn mower and weed eater. How much do you think you can get for them? More "old friends" you can unburden yourself.

May 20, 2012

Only in Brownsville can you make up a "Mock Market Day".

Oh yes, just another way to spend tax payers money, lets create a holiday called "Market Day" in Downtown Brownsville.  For the past couple of weeks drivers and pedestrians have noticed an increase in traffic, noise and just plain drama in downtown, and all of this thanks to the city commission dream of recreating the market square and going back in time when it was filled with music, fruits and vegetables and people walking the street purchasing goods and "curios".  Brownsville officials sent out all their little Cameron County workers with buckets of paint and brushes and if you have the delight to work downtown or just eat at the local Chicken Hut you will be witness to yet another joke to rip the county out of money in just giving a little "limpiadita" or cleaning of the streets, adding potted plants here and there and just fantasizing in the good old days where market square was boosting with life and people.  This past weekend a "mock" market day was setup with array of chairs, vendors, potted plants and wannabe musicians, mostly stuck ups, "fresas" and people that most likely attended famous private schools in Brownsville, don't know jack about this town history and boasted on and on on Facebook "how we were able to sit in the middle of the street with a potted plant right next to us and enjoyed huevos rancheros", while wannabe struggling guitarists pluck the strings out of a $2,000 dollars guitar in an attempt of classical Spaniard sentiment.  Really? who are this people trying to fool? Its a shame that the close proximity with Mexico has inundated this town with crooks, and con artists. How come the organizers of the event did not dedicate one day to the history of the founders of town and a tour of their old houses and establishments? Mainly Spaniards that came to this region and negotiated with the likes of our founding father Mr. Stillman,but instead we are subjected to  all of this charade of potted plants that will never know the beauty of growing their roots in the downtown area ( because till this the day i have not seen an inch of fresh soil left for that), and the murmur of our neighbors from Mexico that plague our streets and boost our economy.  The fun part of all of this were the  renegades motorcyclists that showed up and left out a little of their anger towards the city and showed off their powerful machines letting out all this strenuous noise while young folk tried to sing or play instruments. You can actually Google video from the event just listen to their engines hum in discontent while local wannabe artists tried to impress the rich folk  and UTB students that days earlier gave all their support to launch massive chemically induced and deadly rockets in our boca chica paradise. All is done. The streets were cleaned of debris and trash, traffic returned to normality and this fiasco was over by sunset... Enjoy the Eclipse my friends..

May 17, 2012

Thrifty Installment #4: How To work the Flea Market Like a Boss!

So, you want to save some money this summer or better yet, use some of income to buy things no one wants in real life but ogles online? FLEA MARKET!.

Flea markets are on the rise again and more here on the Rio Grande, gone are the times where you would wake up at five in the morning, smoke a blunt and head out to the creepiest flea markets all over the county to set your eyes and fingers on relics and hand me downs no one cares for.  Internet helped a lot of people that were trying to get rid of old encyclopedias, board games and even skates, and gave the common folk of Brownsville the opportunity of making an easy living.  But times and the economy and the Zetas and The Equis from across put a halt to that mellow style of living or so we thought.

Flea markets are growing in popularity and increasing their numbers and here are some tips for when to go shopping, how to make the most of your money and be able to get out alive or better yet with a faint sunburn. Following this simple rules will make you a millionaire! (at heart).

Rule 1.- 
Never, ever, show how much money you have in your hands or wallet! Owners of second hand crap have the feeling they are "making you a favor" by letting you buy their junk, so beware of this, if they see you have over $40 dollars, forget about making a good deal.

Rule 2.-

Always fill your bags with items no one wants! Paper, crayolas, balloons, old bluegrass tapes, because when you set it down in the ground for the sellers to look at and give you pricing, the helpers are going to get so frustrated with checking out all the pencils and tapes they are going to overlook precious cargo you are hiding!

Rule 3.-

Always trust your gut instinct if you feel exhausted after a night of partying, but feel in your gut you can make an extra cash wake up early and head to Rio Grande flea markets, your hunch is always a true good friend.

and last but not least, you decide how much you want to pay for what, make the SELLER believe you are not desperate for the product. Never let anyone bully you into paying more money that they ask for,  instead try this:

"All for $25 take it or leave it"  what does this means?
 They are so desperate to get rid of the junk they think you ARE BUYING that most likely they wont realize that for the twenty bucks you gave them for the pile of junk, you sneaked a pair of skates and tapes that online will fetch you 60 bucks.

And always do research, leave Facebook for a little bit man, Google what people buy online! grab your woman or your man, get some coffee, smoke some and get ready to be man handled by old ladies that will literally JUMP you as soon as you ogle and rummage thru a box or pile of crap, a word of advice:

ASK your hunny or gal to stand close to the pile of crap or boxes you are inspecting so they can keep away LEECHES or also known as " ill stake out people that are doing all the work of removing piles of crap and ill just step in and take all his junk away"  Leeches are known for always wearing fanny bags near their bulging stomachs, several layers of clothing, old school caps and smoking some cheap ass cigarettes, if you see them coming stand your ground by kneeling over the box completely covering it with your hips and arms and rummage as fast as you can or better yet lift up the box and walk with it to a corner that will piss them off.

May 15, 2012

Al Fin! Mariguana Shop Finally opening in Brownsville.

After much closeted review of the case where Officers Hun and Juno were caught with a hundred pounds of cocaine in downtown Brownsville, today during a televised press conference that out shined famous "Project X" Commissioner Montemayor informed  the citizens of Brownsville of a brand new branch of Medical Marijuana Shops that will be located by hwy 511 and will be open to the junkies, sorry, public, June 30th of this year.  As we all remember Officers Juno and Hun are the ones behind this project that will bring Brownsville to the "future" and out of the dark ages and what better location than close to useless land by hwy 48 and SPI.

Commissioner Montemayor and local Judge Nietzsche are said to be invited to the grand opening scheduled in a few weeks.  When asked who was behind the financing, Commissioner Montemayor just stated the importance and great revenue this project will bring to the County offering the staggering amount of  $100,000 dollars a month in earnings and the opportunity to offer 20 new jobs for select citizens of Brownsville.  A raffle is scheduled in the next few weeks, 20 lucky citizens will be selected to work and operate the two shops June 10th of this year.  Results of the raffles as the names of the winners will be publish in the local penny saver, distinguished Bargain Book and of the shops FB page "Just lets Do it".  Commissioner Montemayor sadly informed the public that residents of Cameron Park, Southmost, Old Alice Road, all of Downtown neighborhoods for example, Fronton, Washigthon, Jefferson, St Charles, etc, etc, will NOT BE INCLUDED IN THE RAFFLE.  No word yet why of this decision but he did seemed nervous when asked why the discrimination. Local Candidate Filemon Vargas stepped in the conference and tried to ease rising tensions when often nervous, young looking Montemayor could not give a straight answer as to why all those residents will not be given a fair chance to earn a spot with the company. Instead Mr. Filemon showed a rather dull Power Point Slide of his elders and said "any project that brings jobs to town, is a good way to make more money".  Public records show that besides Officers Juno and Hun, Mayor Hyundai, and Judge Nietzsche have also invested serious amount of money in bringing this project into town.  They also informed that in the next few weeks the Bargain Book edition sans the South most edition, will offer the public an opportunity to register for a medical marijuana license, some of the prerequisites are simple:

1.- To be unemployed or receiving TANIF in the past Twelve years.

2.- A Doctors excuse that will explain in detail why the use of the herb will help the applicant deal with either stress, life, relationships break-ups, one night-stands, shady hotel renting, and pain or excruciating bipolar-ism.

3.- Proof of Medicaid Card, Medicare or Snap Benefits.

All this with either an outdated driver license or school credential will be sufficient to be part of a raffle that will give the applicants the opportunity to purchase the medicine and to get discounts at local eatery's and bars in town. Registered marijuana users will also receive a free bus pass for twelve months, discount up to 30% for electronics in local WaWa and RegretBuy and a free backpack and snacks for back to school.

No word yet if Bishop Hores will conduct a blessing of the establishment when it opens.

May 14, 2012

Iglesia Bautista of Brownsville sues neighbor from hell!

Iglesia Bautista of Brownsville is suing their next door neighbor for terrorizing the church goers with motion detectors that squirts painful jets of water destroying automobiles windshields and thousands of dollars in bibles being swept away and destroyed by the water.  Reverendo Pina informed the Brownsville Monitor that they started noticing the problems with the neighbor when the parish started to park their vehicles all around his lawn, on top of his bed of  roses and in front of his property. Mr X. as the neighbor likes to be called complained to the Reverend back in April 2008 and submitted a bill in the amount of $200 dollars for some tarnished palm trees.  The Brownsville Monitor was able to locate court documents where Mr. X sued Iglesia Bautista for damages to his property. When interviewed for this story when we arrived to his residence, Cameraman Benito Gonzalez was thrown to the ground by a massive and powerful spray of water resulting in the loss of our equipment. Mr X. sat comfortably in his lounge chair with his faithful companion a small chihuahua and just shrugged his shoulders when asked why of the motion detectors in his small lawn that shot out water when activated.  "I have a  raccoon problem, so i went to the local wawa and bought this small motion detector that squirts the water and the problem solved".  Yes, the devices are sold at the local Wawas but they are meant for ranches and big properties, not for small lawns, they are useful for big lawns or properties that are being targeted by raccoons, deer, or small vermin that can destroy crops or lawn. The device picks up motion and a powerful squirt of water is released up to 400 ft. The "small squirt" is in fact so powerful, one lady church goer lost her blouse in the ordeal on Easter Sunday.  Katherina Jones stated " I was just parking my Tahoe in his lawn, i did step on some of his flowers but we were running late for the service and everyone else is doing it, as soon as i got down i got all wet and i had to go inside my car and cover myself with my jacket, this man . is an evil man for putting those hoses and those devices, he is targeting our religion".

As of today, some of the church goers have decided to use umbrellas or cover themselves with towels instead of doing the christian thing and just park in one of the four luxurious parking lots the church owns. When asked why did they intentionally were destroying this old man garden and lawn by parking and stomping on the grounds, most of the Baptists just looked away or laughed.  "Is this the christian way of respecting and honoring your neighbor?? Mr X. shouts at the parish while the Reverend chuckles:
 "Nope, we are baptists, we dont give a damn.".

Space X: WELCOME to Brownsville!!

Space X project has blast off and all of Brownsville crooks and politicians are licking their lips in anticipation of the million dollar venture.  Cameron County is highly recommending the project to all of its citizens stating that the useless brush and proximity to the Equator are optimal for these types of rockets that really no one cares to find out what exactly they do and oh yes, also some of them will glide rapidly close to the ocean. Important realtors and commissioners in town are expecting for the Wildlife association to give their thumbs up on the project and are using media outlets as Facebook and Google to promote " the money, the jobs and the blasting into the future" that this city will attract with the venture and urgently needs.  Lets remember that our town has been plagued by crooked politicians, sex scandals, murders and drugs in the past few months, so why not embrace multimillion dollars rockets that will make the Engineers and students in town wealthy? oh wait, what engineers? Brownsville is not known for having state of the art mathematicians or engineers, the highly educated individuals of this town are sometimes working menial jobs teaching high strung kids in the bipolar college known as "UT of Brownsville, we kicked the Sh%^t out of TSC", or are seen leaving town for better jobs in the areas of San Anton or Austin. The question is, who are the ones that are going to benefit with this investment? Not the common folk, that is a given.  So lets embrace these venture capitalists that want to blast off tons of rocket power on the useless "brush" of Boca Chica and dunes and vegetation and lets see who the realtors, county judges, politicians, and blues singers get their pockets filled with gold while the townsfolk sit and wait for Boca Chica to be open for them.

May 11, 2012

Brownville Bishop Hores Arrested While Traveling Incognito

Brownsville Bishop Daniel Hores was arrested minutes after lading in Mcallen International Airport earlier today.  Federal Agents were on the lookout when they received an anonymous tip that the Bishop was traveling incognito back in the States to sponsor a high ranking judge exorcism.  The Federal agents spotted the bishop wearing civilians clothes and with recently dyied hair. As we all remembered, the Bishop is indicted on charges of sex for hire and a well documented exorcism on famous judege Ned Nietszche.

Bishop Hores and Juan Montemayor as well as Montemayor's Father, Juan Villarreal and Delia "Zeena" Villarreal were all indicted last week in sex fo hire and using their family business as a cover up for perfomirming exorcisms that were overseen by the famous Bishop.  Before charges were ade for the Bishop he rapidly left the country, stating "the pope needed my help in the islands of la Martinica".

Bishop Hores is under house arrest tonight after reaching a deal with the DA office this evening.  When reporters asked the police department how come he was under house arrest and not in prison, it became clear the Bishop as the Montemayors and Villarrreals still have friends in high places.  The anonymous tip was received yesterday and it stated that the family of Judge Nietszche payed the bishop the amount of $25,000 dollars to perform an express exorcism for their loved one, with the pretense that he would not be arrested, the bishop dyed his hair blonde and done on some fancy clothes.  " He was flirting with me in first class" John Doe states to the Brownsville monitor.  " He stated he was from a wealthy family and that he was headed for a party in downtown Brownsville and that after that he could take me to SPI and we could spend some time together, of course i was hesitant, but he seemed a cool man and he looked like he had alot of money, so we exchanged phone numbers, and now i read he is a Bishop and the whole scandal". John Doe is a student of UT in Austin that was vacationing in the Caribbean when he met the bishop and started to hang out.

Bishop Hores has promised to answer the Brownsville parish any question, and he stated that he came to the States because he is innocent. When asked why he changed his appearance he said "it was all a big joke and IVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE".  Why would the bishop state that? while all this time he is seen flirting with young boys and socializing with the best and corrupt in town? He should just admit that he is guilty and get it over with.

Still no word on Queen Hive, with all the recent drug raids in town, everyone is keeping their head low and their bad habits at bay.

May 9, 2012

hello? is this erasmo castro? What do you mean, the world is mine?

enough said.
if you want to know the chisme, gossip, and scandalous activites that rock this town and makes us laugh, just google, erasmo, donuts, women hater, brownsville texas.. and enjoy this meme.

thank you.

Wild Orangutan Roaming Brownsville's Ship Channel Flashing off Tourists.

A wild orangutan has been sighted near South Padre Island and pet control and BPD are in the lookout to seize it. The first sightings were by a couple necking in the all famous strip of the ship channel.  Shred Lonesome was enjoying a necking session when he felt a finger grapling his butt, "at first, i felt a soft caress near my butt and i tought the girl i was making out it was touching me, but then i felt a greasy hand gropping and hurting me when i turned around, i saw this huge gorilla, ape thing looking at me, whinking and running away, i screamed like a little bitch because it was already getting dark, but i know what i saw". Shred lonesome hesitated in calling 911 because he is a well known realtor in the valley and the lady in question is, well, not his wife. " My duty as a concerned citizen is more valuable to me than what i was doing in my time off, and i was thinkin about the well being of the persons that work at the ship channel and port, thats why after debating for two hours and several beers later i called 911 to get the proper authoritiesto the scene and aprehend the wild animal.

Officers brushed the area for over five hours, but were not able to encounter the wild animal
that is suspected to be the personal pet of famous wanna be singer Ned Nietsche. Other witnesses have come foward and stated the orangutan has either stolen their fish and drank their beer when not looking at the channel. Lucy lu stated to the Brownsville Monitor "We were just chillin, drinking some beer and all the sudden this orange thing comes out of the brush licking his fingers, we all ran but he sat down the cooler and drank the beer". Port  employees also called 911 reporting what appeared to be a drunk staggering ape walking and falling down down hwy 78.   As off today, officials are cautioning turists and Port employees to not atempt and catch the wild animal or supply him with food or alcoholic drinks. "The ape is real intelligent and has been seen drinking and asking people for food, but we do not know if he has any diseases so please dont feed the animal or pet him, he is also always horny and has been videotaped masturbating infront of the ship channel. Please do not approach, call pet control or 911 and we will gladly get him" Officer Hun stated today in the Brownsville Monitor.

Realtor Shred Lonesome was admitted to Valley Grand Manor Hospital today and is rumored to have received a rape kit and counseling for abuse regarding his encounter with the "orange ape".

Blast OFF! Lets Build a Launch Site at Brownsville's Barren Brush!!

the new trend going on on fb and t.v nowadays in Brownsville?
build a launch site for rockets that promise "to bring Brownsville out of the dark and into the future"
oh really? what about the habitat, vegetation, dunes and boca chica beach?
important? men in town are using social media outlets like facebook, and cameron county court
to promote the new launch, stating that nothing bad will happen to the environment, the area is useless and
barren and Brownsville will be put on the map.

The only people that are going to benefit are the top officials and realtors that are going to squeeze
all the money out of this project if it goes through. Not the students of the University or the aspiring musicians
in town, no, just the same corrupt people that live in the fancy neighborhoods around town and gather at
famous watering holes why they proclaim the beautification of our city.
But hey, useless acres, clay fields, dunes, boca chica, our sabal palm and our little piece of heaven
can be shut down for once a month so these voltures can lick their lips and pocket gold in the shape of our
lovely sand.
No words on what the Texas Wildlife Comission have decided or if they actually care about this matter.

May 8, 2012

Brownsville Bishop leaves country  amidst investigation of solicitation and exorcisms for hire.

Brownsville Bishop leaves country  amidst investigation of solicitation and exorcisms for hire. This morning, Brownsville archiodecese announced the definitive departure of beloved Bishop Hores to the island of the Martinica on a special mission granted by Pope Benedict XX.  This comes to a surprise because Bishop Hores is key witness to an ongoing Federal investigation against several important political figures in town, involving well known Judge Nietszche and fellow Comissioner Juan Montemayor.  The archiodecese PA team declared this morning in an exclusive interview with the Brownsville Monitor that Bishop Hores is still in charge of the congregation but had to leave the States because Papal orders forced him to do so. He will be living in the island of la Martinica overseeing a new construction of school and offices.  FBI agents are dumbfounded to learn how the Bishop so quickly was able to leave the country and are still scratching their heads that they didnt think of the possbility of the Bishop jumping ship. FBI agent Queen MArtinez stated today " basically he was not under arrest but he was indicted and he is key witness, his lawyers well know that he wasnt supossed to leave the country not even if the Pope wanted him to do so". The trial against the Villarreals and the Bishop is set to begin in November of this year, but without key witnesses Bishop Hores and renowned male prostitute Queen Hive, the federal agents are scrambling all around town trying to gather the most evidence that will finally bring to light the illicit and devious appetites of the people Brownsville placed in office for their protection and beautification of the City.

May 7, 2012

Brownsville own Bishop denies sex for hire and exorcisms accusations

Brownsville archbishop E. Hores is appalled at recent accusations of Juan Villareal and Delia Villarreal stating that the bishop was aware of the exorcisms performed at their business.  " I am mad and appalled these people state that our congregation knew about the exorcisms performed even stating that I was their spiritual leader and counselor".  The archdiocese is planning to sue both families and judge Nietszche for the mental anguish brought upon Bishop Hores and his family when the sordid details of sex and exorcisms became known earlier this morning. Bishop Hores stated he doesn't know the individuals and hopes he can win the lawsuit to show the corrupt they cannot go around implying the church in their illegal activities. When asked how was it possible for pictures showing him and Villarreal having  some drinks at " el pollo" have recently been leaked in the media, as well as statements of Raul longoria implying the Bishop sexual advances towards him, Bishop Hores abruptly ended the interview and sped off in his 2012 Cadillac truck.  The pictures show bishop Hores enjoying drinks with judge Nietszche and Comissioner Montemayor.  Calls to the bishop home were not immediately returned, but his team of PA have testified that it could have been easily been photoshopped.  While we were attempting to interview again this evening, we noticed famous witness to the case "queen hive" exiting the building and speeding off in the Bishop brand new car.

Amidst sex and exorcism scandal " I am judge Nietszche gay lover"

A new witness has come foward  alleging  Nietzsche was manipulated by the Villarreal family  and the archiodiceses of Brownsville to deny his bisexuality.  " We met in court one day, stated convicted felon Raul longoria, he changed my life and after I was released he sought me out, being my friend, assisting me in getting a job and car". We knew we were different and I felt inferior to him, he is a well educated man  while I've lived on skid row most of my twenty years. We became lovers 3 years ago and I was there with him by his side when he started the renovation of Brownsville, the opening of his new bar and I even worked the lights and audio every thursday night at his famous downtown bar the crooked.. family and close friends, the Villarreals, knew about our relationship and were always harassing us, last year on our trip to Vegas, bishop Hores joined us and told Ned to undergo an exorcism to cure his devilish and sinful appetites".  Raul longoria states that Delia Villarreal told the judge he was being possessed by a gay succubus "Theodore" and that he needed urgent intervention.  When the judge denied the allegations Juan Villarreal threatened him to go public with the affair.  Delia drugged judge Nietszche and with the consent of his ex-wife and children proceeded with the "intervention". Raul longoria hid in the famous barbacoa and tortilla factory and was witness of the seance. "first they rubbed a dead chicken in his groin for two hours, when he started moaning and pulling away the bishop accompanied by miss Delia or "Zeena" started to slap him furiously to revive  him while they chanted " do you like it??" they then proceed to let in two go- go naked dancers that danced wildly around him. when judge Nietszche wasn't able to get hard on they finalized the exorcism and took judge Nietszche to a room to freshen up.  Mr Longoria explains that in the next few days Ned seem "out of it" not wanting to engage in any sexual activity due to crucial pain in his genitals and feeling of abuse.  He finally came around a month later and decided to invite me to a fishing trip at south padre island.  The passion was back and we couldn't get enough of each other. He was his old self being lavish with gifts and kissing me all over just like when we got together. The problems started when the family got wind that the relationship was still going on.  When judge Nietszche told his associates that he was planning to buy a condo for my family,  Nietsche ex-wife decided to come public with the affair but only gave details to the sex ring and exorcisms for hire implying the Villarreal family only. Little did she knew that Nietszche lover Mr. longoria had audio and videotape of the blackmail by Villareal and that evidence also implies Bishop Hores  and Nietzsche family as well.    Longoria also has evidence of bishop Hores sexual advances towards him and his family, stating the bishop offered money and properties and the ownership of a sex shop only if Mr Longoria became his submissive pet lover for a year. All this information became public today as judge Nietszche prepares to open up his second downtown bar that will offer drink specials through out the night for same sex couples.

Commissioner Juan Montemayor family indicted in four counts of sex trade and exorcisms for hire.

Commissioner Juan Monte mayor father and sister in law were indicted today on four counts of sex trade  and exorcisms for hire. In a televised press conference commissioner Monte mayor stated he doesn't run the family business and he is not involved on the alleged charges.  This comes to surprise because Monte mayor was recently arrested last weekend on charges of solicitation and drugs possession while he was driving his well known black BMW near Brownsville's best watering hole "bar".  When arrested he stated he owned a Barbacoa shop and that he usually helps people on skid row, mostly prostitutes from the downtown area, he offers them Barbacoa plates and a place to shower and relax for the night, oh really? The four alleged victims of sex trade told undercover officers that they did not receive their Barbacoa plates or payments for the services provided. Queen hive one of the victims in this case was recently involved in two major scandals this past month, is set to appear next weekend on channel nueve in "35 minutes" a segment of the Brownsville monitor.  Queen hive has promised to speak up about the sex ring, famous clientele and practices offered at the famous barbacoa and tortilla business.  Monte mayor already is working on getting this show cancelled as well are prominent judges of the area because of the graphic nature of the interview and fears of recent elections being sideswiped by the incident.

  Monte mayor father Juan Villarreal and his sister in law Delia Villarreal were released today with $12,000 dollars personal bonds, they stated to authorities that they run a legitimate business and that they don't offer exorcisms they offer spiritual healing.  In the charge of exorcisms for hire, Villarreal and Monte mayor spoke in an interview and said the exorcisms were done accordingly to Brownsville Archdioceses and that it does not infringe in the well being of the person receiving it. They also stated it was done only twice last year and to the same individual.  Charges were brought when  respected family members of known blues singer and judge Ned Nietzsche, stated they payed over $25,000 dollars for the exorcisms to be performed on their family member in the famous barbacoa restaurant but did not witness an improvement on their loved one. They contacted investigators last year and gave sordid details of the exorcism and sex ring being operated under the cover of a family business. The seances were held at the barbacoa shop after midnight every Friday, the family explained that "Zeena" better known as Miss Villarreal, told them that  Mr. Nietzsche was in fact possessed by an old demon and that he needed urgent care. Investigators have in their possession audio and videotape of the exorcism that involves a chicken and two men dancing wildly and naked on top of the famous judge while he sang "born on the bayou".

When asked by the media why they came forward with the information, they claimed  Nietzsche had  become unbearable to live with, always talking about blues, denying new talent to play in his crooked bar and being a douche to the family. Telephone calls, texts messages and twitter comments to Mr Nietzsche have not been answered following yesterdays arrest. On a lighter note, if you want to enjoy a night of blues and debauchery, go ahead and wear your best at downtown famous crooked wheel where you most likely will not get to play but enjoy Nietzsche twenty minute solos and five dollars coronas.

Hail Birdwatchers everywhere Brownsville birdwatching capital of the world!

Birdwatchers everywhere hail Brownsville birdwatching capital of the world! Here in a beautiful tropical ghetto. It's hard to wake up in a bad mood when everywhere around me I hear retarded birds singing. I'm not a bird expert by any means but right off hand I do see sparrows, woodpeckers, doves and my favorite the parrot. Oh and right before the sun comes up and I'm still getting ready for my crappy job I often hear roosters crowing and I'm pretty sure that's a roosters are a rare bird in most american cities. Many birds migrate to Brownsville. One of the most known migrating birds is known as the Snowbird. Snow birds are closely related to other talking birds such as the parakeet the parrot and the crow. Inner city birds crack fiends can be found most nights doing their mating dance to the sounds of cumbias and oldies.  I recommend the hotel economical for viewing these rare beauties from their nest.  In the morning head east passing the international marijuana gateway bridge and following the Rio Grande River as it winds and curves its way down to the "smallmouth" or Boca Chica where the river finally dumps into the ocean. The ocean is where you will find yet more birds like the sandpiper, pelican and the Sea gull. That about wraps up my knowledge of birdwatching. I guess all I have left to say is: if your into bird watching i hope you will head this way!

May 5, 2012

i am erasmo: chisme, new gossip, hater of femmes, donut lover ah yeah i a m watchin you and you can all suck my...

chisme, gossip, you name it. brownsville is now a battlefield between several groups that shield their cruel intentions with flags of power to the people or the most famous " we are here to defend you!!!" they call themselves the new gossip, they started in facebook and in a year have received the whooping 1,000 subscriptions when artists like rihanna or the connectors are surpassing the million "like" marking. the new gossip group started with the idea of helping the needy, the special, the underachievers of town, but in reality the founder erasmo castro, has done the unthinkable: alienating the same citizens he fought to protect, they should call him the new destroyer. this man has an extensive shady background, and people in town either hate him or just dont give a damn. brownsville needs this sort of entertrainment and im glad that i am giving an opportunity for hate speech, hate mail and cyberstalking. thank you trolls you make my day! the new gossip has been laying low today, fb pages have been suspiciously deactivated. lets hope its founder didnt choke with the donuts he so gladly displays in his page and that he will continue with his legacy of hate and chisme later on tonight.

Space X, Y orZ? Brownsville is headed up high to the sky! NOT.

yet another scandal involving top city officials in brownsville over the cinco de mayo weekend. it seems that top officials got cocky in their positions and did not tried to cover up their steps with fraudalent bussiness ventures in the valley and in town. the latest news made public today in the brownsville monitor by chief commisioner Estrada is the opening of the first medical marijuana shops in town. With last night arrest of commissioner montemayor, another piece of important information has been made public: with the proceeds of several drugs busts around town in the past six months, city officials and law enforcement were able to buy building permits under the false pretense of a launch rocket platform that was going to "give the opportunity of more jobs and better living for brownsville residents" well it was all a hoax. plans for the medical marijuana shops are still on the way, downtown entertrainment district is still open to the public that can dress up to the challenge and no charges were made to the two police officers that started this whole mess. city official R. Nietzsche explains: "brownsville is in need of jobs, the public jails are overpopulated ad we need to stop and thank all the officers and officials that with their hard work and drug busts are building up legit business for brownsville best" no word on Mr. Spock Lozada, he is still scheduled to appear later on this month to present his SPACE Y? project to the county, what are his views that public officials used his venture and permits to secretly open marijuana shops that will certainly send registered patients sex offendors and brownsville best way up high to the sky? tune in the next few hours when a televised news conference will be available to brownsville finest cheezmeh members and their pets. we are watching you now!

Brownsville City Comissioner caught con las manos en la masa y la boca en las barbacoas!

City comissioner Juan Montemayor arrested with two male prostitutes outside the bar in Brownsville. A call was made from a concerned bouncer about three men moaning and fighting inside a black BMW recent model outside the bar parking lot. Officers Manuel Serena and Linda Dragonesa were astounded to fish commissioner Montemayor naked from the waist down fighting inside the vehicle with two well know male prostitutes in town.  Queen hive states" the bitch took my cocaine from last week, he promised me some pounds and now he doesnt wanna pay me" as fellow readers can recall, queen hive is a crucial witness to last weeks cocaine scandal that involved two police offices getting arrested with a load of cocaine in their squat car. When asked what he meant, who promised the cocaine the commissioner proceeded to slap him and told reporters he was in fact a victim and that the hobos jumped in his car. " I saw two drunk men staggering in the parking lot and I just was doing my duty and offering them a raid home, things are not what they seem, I am happily engaged to the same woman for over five years and I was getting ready to go and open my Barbacoa shop where I usually meet hobos and junkies and prepare them plates of food".  When asked by the deputies how come he was over ten miles away from his establishment and that was he aware that there were a lot of staggering drunks around and how come he didn't help the ladies? The commissioner just shrugged and stated again he was not soliciting sex just trying to be a good citizen.  N kilo the other male prostitute alleges this story as complete "bullshit". " hey man, look at his car, you can barely fit one dude there but he offers us twenty a piece, and some pounds of coke, he showed the bundles so were jus making a livin you know, it doesn't matter, he had his fun we need payment."  The commissioner was booked but didn't spend the night in the holding cell, he was released with a pr of $300 dollars, further exploration of the vehicle revealed twenty pounds of cocaine, condoms and some audio tapes of distric judge nietzsche singing the blues.  No word yet on the hobos and runaways that we're waiting at his establishment for his special Saturday morning " Barbacoa plate".

Downtown brownsville offers new club scenes for the fashionably challenged!! Oh wait si eres pobreton ya te chingaste

Last year, Brownsville offered a glimpse of an exciting nightlife only to shatter dreams for the rest of the "plebe" in town.  Bars and nightclubs like the "la cueva", "galleria 82", "crooked moon for the over the hill.." promised the young and old crowd of misfits,  runaways, punks, hobos, and alike a place to unwind, experience rock, get rowdy in downtown near the fire department, near the church you name it.  Well, it was all a lie. Fresas crowd those places and if you are not friends with the comissioners your bar most likely will display the "stop work order because you didn't lick the balls orde the city comissioner so now you have to wait...blah bla."  I have passed by those establishments jut to be harassed by fresas bouncers or preppies, my torn shoes and ropa usada just didn't make the cut and as I stand outside Listening to all those wanna be bands clad like 1980's superstars with their piercings crying about equal rights but living In nice neighborhoods and driving Taurus awd, I wonder who is the poser and who is the real deal?

Thrifty installment # 21 doing nothing

Often overlooked in today's society the art of doing nothing. So what is it you're trying to accomplish? What would it cost you to be totally idle for a while? It actually might cost you next to nothing. On one level the more you stagger around this life the more calories you're burning and another level the more you look around the more things you'll be yearning. The next time that you see that your wallets getting bare take a step back and get out of there. Find yourself a cool safe place and start saving!

May 3, 2012

Medical Marijuana Shop All Set to Open in Brownsville

Follow up investigation on the two police officers arrested with 100pounds of cocaine, has lead investigators to receipts and permits of the first medical marijuana shops, astounding findings since the two buildings are already in the process of remodeling near the corner of 511. The two police officers were seen smiling after posting personal bonds in the amount of 15,000 dollars. Brownsville Sheriff Edward Niesce stated in an interview with Brownsville Monitors that the two police officers are still suspended with pay and that they are cooperating in describing the enterprise of the medical marijuana shops and there future impact on the community, generating revenues of excess of a million dollars a month and more jobs for the struggling town. "Although the enterprise is funded primarily with drug money, we have to understand the impact It will have in the community, no more drugs deal gone wrong, more jobs and we would have access to the permits and licenses and patients that are acquiring the drug legally in the valley." Construction has not been halted at the site as of Wednesday evening. Francisco M. A carpenter on the site says " we have been working non-stop on the site for several months now and I am excited to be part of this project. I don't know why all the fuss was about the gay cops and the shops, several city commisioners have come to the site and expressed their ideas of improvement you would be amazed of all the officials that knew about this place". Public records show the construction permit for the site being issued by commissioner Futa January 2012, the same commissioner that condoned and subjected the police officers to a grueling cross examination when the arrest was made. Also named on the permit are Sheriff Niesce and Major Nonarti, so it's obvious everyone knew about the drug deals, shops, sex and lingerie but as soon as it went public they started pointing fingers at each other.

May 2, 2012

Thrifty installment #9! check dumpsters!

Thrifty installment #9! check dumpsters! I'm sure we've all had that experience of going shopping at a discount store and not finding anything you want. well I want to make a suggestion to you thrifty friend. don't forget to check the dumpster. Dumpsters can be great places to find things! you never know what you can find in a dumpster! I personally have found many a treasure in the dumpster!! and thrifty friend when you do find that treasure the "price is right" and so that's right dumpster diving that's the ticket!! well maybe not for a first date but maybe for the shirt you wear on a first date.

May 1, 2012

One hundred pounds of cocaine found on a Brownsville squad car

One hundred pounds of cocaine were found on a brownsville squad car yesterday while candidates running for office gave speeches in the downtown area. Local hobo "queen hive" was the person that noticed police officer Julio Hun and constable James Juno acting suspiciously and inhaling some powder from their laps, he quickly walked up to a standing security officer who was astonished when he approached the squad car " I couldn't believe my eyes, these two jerks getting high while our candidates running for the commission were giving speeches a mere  feet away" .
The officers pleaded with the security guard offering him a cut of the drugs,  queen hive wanted to take some too but was restrained, " hey man, I just wanted a block I have bills to pay I am no junkie".
The police officers tried to blame each other for the coke and then tried to tell the media that it was a setup, that someone had planted the narcotics In the car. Further exploration of the squad car showed they were in possession of forty tablets of exstasy,  pornographic DVDs, and some lingerie from pokey planet. Pokey planet employee Belinda M explains, "oh yes, they are regular customers, always leaving behind generous tips and always holding hands and buying the best in lingerie and vibrators."
The police officers didn't get arrested, they are suspended with pay and are awaiting judgment pending internal investigation of the matter as of Monday of this week.

kidnapped chihuahua returns home safely after highspeed chase

police were called at 4:30 am in the corner street of ed carey for a domestic disturbance following a man rampage through her ex girlfriends belongings and kidnapping of her dog "whiskers". the victim 34 year old cristina romero explains how after a night out on the town with her new partner she runned into mr castro at jaguars night club and invited him over for some drinks at her residence near ed carey. " he was in good spirits, so to show him no hard feelings we invited him over, then around 4:30 am he started crying all intoxicated that he wanted me back, and he started destroying my furniture and took my chihuaha whiskers and fled" frantic phonecalls to 911 and twenty minutes later five squad cars started chasing the 1997 ford white truck through town because they tought whiskers was actually a child, the 911 operator explains: "miss romero kept screaming he had taken her child" he take all matters of kidnapping seriously, lieutenant Gomez explained in a televised conference yesterday, even tough we wrecked two squad cars, we needed to help a citizen in need. mr castro was arrested when his ford truck ran out of gas outside rack daddys he was sipping on some beer and holding whiskers close to his chest "i loved that girl, and she took everything, yet i still want her!" mr castro was arrested for public intoxication, lewdness with an animal and kidnaping, he was arraigned and set free on $3,000 bail that was paid by mrs. romero, " i guess i still love him, we will get throught this". no word about the new partner of mrs romero and what is his opinion about the fact that his new girlfriend bailed out the assailant.